ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAIN

Marriage, at its core, is a journey of love and respect. But as life changes—whether through illness, retirement, or other major transitions—it brings challenges that can strain even the most communicative and stable relationships. As Bruce and I adjust to spending all day together, with him navigating the limitations of his health, we are learning that the normal dynamics of the marriage can feel disrupted. The frustration that arises from feeling unsupported, misunderstood, or disconnected can lead to what I call “the crazy train,” where we both react out of our unmet needs. In these moments, love and respect are often missing, and the train begins to pick up speed and momentum.

When Bruce, feeling disrespected, reacts without love, and when I, feeling unloved, react without respect, the relationship boards a runaway train. We both, though trying to communicate our needs, end up unintentionally hurting each other, leading to frustration, confusion, and isolation. This happens because, as the Bible reminds us in Ephesians 5:33, wives are called to respect their husbands, and husbands are called to love their wives. When these needs are unmet, one partner feels unloved and the other feels disrespected, sending the train barreling down the tracks.

In these moments, the challenge is to recognize that this isn’t caused by malice or evil intent, but by misunderstanding. Women tend to approach issues in an indirect way, sometimes trying to solve problems without clearly communicating their needs. Men, on the other hand, often want direct answers and solutions. When these two styles clash, one partner withdraws, and the other feels hurt by the withdrawal, fueling the train’s acceleration toward a crash.

Understanding and respect are key. For men, respect is vital to their sense of honor, and if they feel disrespected, they will disengage from the relationship, thinking it is more important than the specific issue at hand. Women, on the other hand, often act out of a desire to help, protect, or guide, but when this is perceived as criticism, it can make their husbands feel disrespected. The result is both partners retreating into defensive modes, and the train keeps speeding toward a collision, unsure of how to stop.

However, this train can be slowed down and redirected when both partners recognize their differences and the unique needs each has. As Matthew 19:4 reminds us, God made us male and female—different, but complementary. The challenge is to embrace these differences, understanding that what may seem like a conflict is often a result of different ways of processing emotions, issues, and needs.

The way out of the runaway train is through patience, understanding, and a commitment to honoring one another. Speak truth in love. Listen without the need to fix everything. Sometimes, you don’t need solutions, just a partner who listens. Don’t let pride or frustration lead you to derail your marriage. This is not about fixing everything; it’s about being there for each other and learning to communicate with love and respect.

In all of this, marriage is not just about surviving the difficult seasons—it’s about honoring God through your relationship. As you navigate these challenges, remember that God sees the effort and growth in your relationship and will reward your faithfulness, even if the rewards are not immediate or obvious. Continue to turn to Him for strength, guidance, and wisdom in your marriage.

They Never Listen

No matter what conflict arises in a marriage, it all comes down to communication. If communication is a problem, resolving any other issues will be nearly impossible. As soon as you find a solution, the tension can return when the next disagreement comes up. Sometimes, the communication problem becomes so big that it’s just as important as the other issues being discussed. Often, when one partner realizes the need for better communication, the other may resist the change. This is when it’s crucial to both work together before things get worse.

Be aware of pride, self-righteousness, and over-confidence, as these can quickly create obstacles. Misunderstandings can cause one spouse to resist what the other is trying to express. It’s important to learn how to ask for what you want. We often complain about what’s missing but forget to express our true desires. Instead of focusing on how your spouse isn’t giving you attention, try sharing how much you long for their love and care.

Galatians 6:1-5 teaches us to restore each other gently and bear one another’s burdens. When disagreements arise, avoid name-calling, blaming, or shaming. A toxic relationship can’t thrive. Instead, take responsibility for your own feelings. Instead of saying “you always do this,” try saying “I felt hurt when…” This helps shift the focus away from blaming and toward understanding each other’s feelings.

1 Corinthians 10:12 reminds us to stay humble and aware of our own weaknesses, so we don’t fall into temptation.

How can we improve communication? Talking is only part of it; it’s about turning those talks into action. A genuine effort to communicate can bring hope to a struggling marriage. Set a time and place—like the kitchen table—to talk about any issues that need addressing. This should be a time free of distractions, and no interrupting or criticizing. If things start to get heated, it’s okay for one person to step away until they calm down. It’s also helpful to have one spouse take notes and keep a Bible nearby for guidance. Start and end with prayer, and take turns praying. Understand that developing good communication is a process that takes time, but it’s worth the effort.

Make an effort to really listen to your spouse, trying to understand their perspective without immediately reacting. Even if things look different from your point of view, be curious about what your partner is saying. You might be surprised by what you learn.

A painful truth many married couples face is that “my spouse is not me.” It’s important to recognize that your spouse may see the world very differently than you. Making space for that difference is key to growing together in your marriage.

I have provided my resources below.  Remember, asking for help is one of the biggest opportunities you can take in building your marriage. 

Critical Stages of Biblical Counseling, Jay E Adams

Theology of Biblical Counseling, Heath Lambert

Forgiving Others, Timothy S Lane

Finding local counselors through ACBC:  Find a Biblical Counselor Near You – ACBC

After the Honeymoon

Every marriage requires significant sacrifice and compromise for two people to truly become one. In today’s world, marriage is often seen as a prison, something to be avoided at all costs. Yet, despite these negative views, marriage has endured and even thrived in most cases since the beginning of time. What makes the difference? Think of marriage like a rope—strong and unbreakable because it intertwines two strands together. In the toughest times, what keeps the rope from unraveling is a promise to stay committed and hold it all together, even when feelings are at their breaking point. The third strand? This can be found in Ecclesiastes 4:11-13, which says, “A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” This historical wisdom reminds us that the presence of God in a marriage can strengthen the bond, even when the storms of life threaten to tear everything down.

Love alone, despite what modern songs and movies often suggest, is not enough to sustain a marriage. Couples who fail to make it through difficulties often aren’t fully committed to making the marriage work. Commitment means deciding to put in the hard work needed to repair the relationship. If you constantly think about what life would be like with someone else or wish things were different, it’s difficult to find the momentum to move forward. Divorce can have lasting consequences on your children and finances, and finding someone “better” is not always the solution, as every relationship faces its own set of challenges.

Every marriage faces difficult moments, but these challenges can be opportunities for growth. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, couples can transform conflict into deeper connection (though this doesn’t apply to abusive relationships). Often, couples in crisis direct their energy elsewhere because it’s too painful to face the problems in their marriage. Even when physically married, many have emotionally “checked out.”

To bring the energy back into a relationship, it’s important to stop looking for ways to exit. This means being mindful of activities where we invest our emotional resources, like working extra hours, overeating, spending too much time at the gym, or using social media. While these activities might seem harmless, if they are a way to avoid your spouse, they can become an exit from the relationship. Philippians 2:3-4 reminds us to “regard one another as more important than yourselves,” emphasizing that we should put our spouse’s interests before our own.

Marriage requires a sacrificial attitude. Ephesians 5:25 teaches that husbands should love their wives “just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” showing the depth of commitment needed in marriage. In any relationship, but especially in marriage, it’s vital to serve one another. 1 Peter 4:10 encourages us to use our gifts to serve each other as “good stewards of the manifold grace of God.”

One way to foster a positive marriage is by expressing appreciation. When you acknowledge what you love about your spouse, it reinforces positive behavior and makes your partner feel valued. Instead of a simple thank you, take time to sit down with your spouse, look them in the eyes, and express why you appreciate them. This simple act can break through negativity and strengthen the connection between you.

Even after many years of marriage, it’s essential to continue dating your spouse. Set aside time each week for a special outing, whether it’s a dinner or a walk in the park, to maintain a strong, face-to-face connection. These shared moments show that your marriage is a priority.

Remember, love is a verb. Showing care for your spouse involves performing loving actions. Ask your spouse what actions make them feel loved and try to do one of those things each day. As you act lovingly, you not only stir your own love for your spouse but also ignite their love for you. These actions can transform your relationship for the better. Romans 12:10 encourages us to “give preference to one another in honor,” showing that marriage thrives on love and respect, where each person prioritizes the other.

As we continue this conversation, we’ll dive into communication in part 2. Seeking help is one of the greatest steps you can take in strengthening your marriage.

Resources:

Critical Stages of Biblical Counseling, Jay E Adams

Theology of Biblical Counseling, Heath Lambert

Forgiving Others, Timothy S Lane

Finding local counselors through ACBC:  Find a Biblical Counselor Near You – ACBC